Forgiveness

Forgiveness it's such a hard word! I have been threw a lot in my life but when I compare it to others I have been very lucky. Why is forgiveness so hard. It is so easy for the lord to do, so why is it so hard for me to do? I always tell myself its easy to forgive but not forget. Which is fine you don't want to forget cuz if you forget what will stop you from ending up in that same situation again. I just finished watching a show on Netflix called Forgiving Dr Mengale. Its about the Nazis and what the jewish twins went threw and how one of them forgave. I thought to myself wow if she is able to forgive a man that put her threw more pain then any one person could go threw why for so many years of trying to forgive this one person that put such a burden on me be so hard. I have tried everything. Writing a letter and burning it. I found his address and learned of his family he has now to see if that made me feel better. I have tried letting it go. Nothing nothing has worked. Then I thought what about forgiving myself. Let me just tell you what happened. I was in fifth grade. A return missionary in my ward just got back from Russia and brought one of his converts back with him to live in America for a year. I was so excited for a new friend. We were instant friends from the moment we met we were hooked at the hips. After 6 months of playing and hanging out we were at her house playing. The parents were out but he was there to make sure we behaved. I remember he sent her out to mow the lawn and turned to me and said "hey I have something cool to show you" being naive and young I followed him, I mean he was a return missionary. we went in his room and he grabbed me and sat me on his lap and he preceded to touch me in places I didn't understand. Mind you this was like 25 years ago I hadn't even learned about sex or anything. I remember as soon as I had a moment to get up I walked out and headed straight home. I was so confused I didn't understand. What just happened to me. Did that really happen or was that a dream. I went home and had dinner with my family and went to bed. She and I still played and after some time I had just forgotten about it 2 months later she invited me over to play nintendo. It was the coolest thing we didn't own one and I didn't even think twice I was in. I had totally forgotten about what had happened before. We were playing nintendo and didn't even think to see if the parents were home. After an hour of playing he came up and sent her to go mow the lawn. When she was out of sight he grabbed me and started doing it again right there in the living room. He was much stronger this time I couldn't break free. I didn't understand, all I know was this wasn't right and I didn't like it. After 10 minutes she walked in on it and by the look on her face it wasn't unfamiliar to her. She told him to let go, so he did and went in his room. She grabbed the nintendo remote and started playing. I was still in shock so I just grabbed mine and played one more round and went home. After that day I never played inside that house again. She and I still played together and were extremely close. I remember when her year in America was up and we took her to the airport to say our good byes. It was one of the hardest days ever. For years I carried this with me. Didn't tell a single soul. I felt ashamed. As I got older I would have nightmares or tried to think of different ways I could have handled it. I would tell myself why didn't you do this or how could you have let this happen to yourself. I didn't blame him. When I got married and my now husband had our first honeymoon night I had forgotten about things after a while till this. Those feelings came rushing back. I started to become angry. I remember after a few months my husband asked me why I was so angry and I told him my story. It was the first time I had said anything out loud. It felt good. He still helps me threw it to this day and finally 4 years ago I finally came out with it and became more vocal about it. I should feel good about it now right. No I didn't. Why I just wanted it to stop. I forgot to forgive myself. I had put so much blame on myself that I needed to finally forgive ME. I still have to remind myself of how old I was and that I didn't have the knowledge that I have now but it is nice to be able to breathe again. I forgave him, I forgave myself but I will not forget! On day he will stand in front of the lord and so will I and I know that I will be okay.

I am not Broken

Hi Ya'll! I thought maybe this first post I would tell ya a little bit about myself. It has taken me almost 32 years to realize that I am not broken! I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! Yep I am a mormon!! I love my faith and with any faith or church you will always have struggles thats what life is all about right? Going threw this struggles or as we call them trials to gain the knowledge that we came to this earth to gain. I love my church and everything about it! When I finally truly learned about the Plan of Salvation (6 years ago) I know this was the church for me. No I am not a convert. I grew up in the church, but sadly I left for 10 years. WHAT!! Yes I said it, I left the church for 10 years. Why you ask? I was angry. I can't express to you how angry I was. I didn't understand why our Heavenly Father who claims to have this amazing love for his children could put them threw so much and watch them go threw so much pain. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. I left the church at the most crucial time in a persons life. I was 13. It was the worst decision I ever made. The teenage years are the most sensitive time in your life. Its the time of your life that starts to define who you are and what you possible might become and with the lord on your side the world is in your hands. Without the lord well he never leaves you but it makes it that much easier for Satan to sink in! Why start a blog? Well I have learned that life is short and I have 2 amazing lil boys. I wanted to write my thoughts and experience down for them so if I am not here to tell them they will have a piece of me with them always!